Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
