I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
