walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
