I wish I could punch you in the face.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
