I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
