I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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