As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
