There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
