last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
