I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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