She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
