Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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