I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
