I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
