I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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