I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
