My underwear smells like fireworks.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
