your parents love me but you hate me
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
