there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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