it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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