Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
