capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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