When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
