I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
