btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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