I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
