If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just want to make out with him forever
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
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