I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
