I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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