Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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