do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
