I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
