Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
