you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
