is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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