last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
