a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
