Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Randomize