I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
