You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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