hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
