My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
