Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
