now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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