Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
