I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
