I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
