Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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