You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
