i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Need sex. Gaining weight.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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