I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
