Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Randomize
