my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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