I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
