my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize