I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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