sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Randomize
