What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
