All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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