lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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