If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Someone signed my nipple.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
